Mooney28

I've had less to drink with maybe less to say but looking at my life right now the number of people who I can call and just talk to about all the shit that bothers me is dwindling. So maybe I'll start talking on here again. Something to just get my thoughts straight.

So here I am back in Buffalo, and to tell you the truth I've grown fond of this city. I enjoy watching the Bills games. The Sabres are the team I cheer for during the hockey season. Elmwood is my town and Allentown is where I rock out. I shot pool in South Buffalo and go to the local Consumer to fill my growler. I'm still looking for the perfect gritty diner but I don't think I'll ever replace Mother's Cupboard or Doc's so I guess I'll just have to deal. I guess what I'm getting at is that I know I want out. I'm gonna leave NY it's just a matter of time, but until it's my time to go Buffalo is my town.

I can see an end in my college career and it's a bit... not scary but I guess unexpected. haha All good things must come to and end even if its a bit over due I'm proud of what I will have accomplished. However I still have this semester and next to you all sentimental.

I guess I've been a bit of a slacker this past few months and I want to change that. I want to set some goals for myself this semester and not just the same bullshit I say every semester. So here we go:

1. I will run 5 mornings a week, that gives me two days to be hungover.
2. I'm gonna stay on top of or ahead of this semester's work.
3. I'm not going to have any drunken hook up's.

I think that's enough for me right now...

I'm sick and tired of my bullshit excuses. I'm not living up to anyone's standards but my own; I've always believed that. Now its time to stop letting myself down cause I know I'm better than this.

Peace and Love

WHY!!!! I just want to get my fucking thoughts out and it all goes to shit.


Fucking hate this computer. It fucking deleted all my shit I just wrote out... I'm so stressed. I'm so fucking stressed and I'm losing everyone. No one knows me. I'll just hide away in the masses until I get my diploma.

I'm living in my own world in my head.

Drink drink drink, hello world, I hear the music in a far off bar. Get myself a drink and listen to some tunes. Love the artists who entertain us and sing their praise.

Lets go home, whats on your mind? It doesn't matter cause you have no one who will listen. No worries you say, you'll make new friends there's millions of people in the world. Making friends is easy but then you start to hide yourself. Pretty soon you hide so much of yourself you don't even recognize who you are... Just another drunk, just another college guy, just another loser, just another fool, just another friendless ass whose pissed away anyone who meant anything.

Does it matter??

No, fuck it this world isn't meant for you. You come you go, you win you lose, your here and your gone.

I'm a stranger in my own life. One who has lost himself and is no longer willing to pick up the pieces.

What do you want in life? What do most people want in life? Is it love, success, happiness? People work hard in school to get a good job. Then they work hard at their good job to make money. For what? Love, success, or happiness.

I don't know... I don't know what I want. I've had love, that ended. With love I've had happiness, and that ended. Success, well I've had that too. So now what do I want? Where is this even going? What point was I trying to make if any?

Why do I destroy everything I care about? Why do I fool around with people messing with feelings? Why do I always think maybe this time I can be different, it will be different? Guess what it always ends the same way.

So to the person this concerns I'm apologizing for yet again fucking with you. I've said it a thousands times, you deserve better than me. One day soon you'll get just that.

One thing I know want right now is a bottle of Jameson.

I'm often find myself wondering who will be left in my life after I've finally graduate and moved on with my life. Even my closest friends seem to be fading out of my life. I wonder if I'm fading from their lives as well.

Nothing is permanent except for family. They seem to love me whether I deserve it or not, but that is what families do.

I feel like many of my non of my friends will last and my family drives me crazy. I think about when I graduate when I can finally leave buffalo this place that trapped me for so long, but when I can finally leave where will I go? What's left for me out in the world? I've dreamed living abroad but whats left for me out there? In Britain the country I grew to love my year abroad what life would be there for me? My friends become more distant moving on and living their own lives, lives I'm no longer apart of. It seems like all I have left from that life abroad is my sitcoms I've grown to love. Would it be me just living in the past during a time where I was happy with my life? Maybe it's time for a new dream. Moving to China to teach English is becoming better and better looking.

I'll just sparkle than fade out of peoples lives.

This week has been absolute shite. First I get into a car accident, then I get a non repairable flat tire, and finally to top of all that my dog dies...

For the most part my week was just extremely stressful. Time and money. With the accident luckily no one was hurt and there was minor damage to my car. Then the flat just cost me more money... However having my dog die was just the final stab.

I was making a special trip home this weekend just to see her too. My mom told me she wasn't doing so well, after all she was 133 years old in dog years. She went peacefully, but still I really wanted more than anything to say good bye. I'm sure she knew I loved her, but now that she's gone I'm thinking about all the time I could have spent with her that I took for granted. She was the only "person" I could always count on to be happy to see me. She really wasn't just a dog, she was family. Knowing that when I got home tonight she won't be there to greet me set me back some on my 3 hour drive home and sent me into some heavy drinking when I finally got home.

She was the best dog anyone could ever have. She was my best friend. I really never thought she wouldn't always be here, home, waiting for me with a big smile on her face.

Now there's an emptiness in my life which nothing will able to fill.

The semester is just starting and already I'm needing an escape.

I've noticed something about straight chicks. They're all full of shit, and I say this in the nicest possible way. I'm not lashing out here just stating some facts. They say they want a nice, understanding, good looking guy. Why the fact is they always fall for some ass hole who only thinks with his cock.


So for all you ladies who are complaining about the asshole men you've dated or hooked up with I have no sympathy. (Well maybe a little cause I'm a nice understanding and good looking guy haha) I'm not mad in any way about this. I know it's not your fualt you can't relate to a "nice guy." I mean there is some weight behind the statement "Nice guys finish last." You simply can't understand how to relate to us nice guys.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I've been a saint my whole life. At times I've been a complete COCK. However, with admitting to that I must say every chick I've dated I've been with I first hooked up with while I was drunk and making a complete tit of myself or was being a complete ass with. Women love guys who are assholes. It's a fact. If your a nice guy they consider you a complete puff (gay boy).

This is why since I'm not no longer thinking with my cock due to there being way too much drama in my life, and this is why I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life...

Basically Straight women are crazy. haha Prime example TATINA!!! haha

Some things you just learn in time.

I hate not being able to sleep... It's fucking annoying... My friend Brit is crashing in my bed and now I feel like it's been totally taken over... Now I'm just sitting outside on my couch thinking about sleep, and then when I do sleep I have mad fucked up dreams. Like a few days ago I dreamed my dog had died. You know what that does to someone?? Being all fucking depressed over knowing what it feels when your dog dies... Might as well now sleep at all. Now I'm sitting here on my couch alienated from my own bedroom, not that it's her fault... She's not feeling well. Stupid Chinese food.

I sleep alone, with nobody else.... you know when I sleep alone.... I prefer to be by myself.

I honestly think I'm gonna die alone. Partly cause women don't understand me and partly because I'm don't care to be understood. I had a good run with women. I don't think I'm gonna do any better. Besides, I have my friends, and they need me. I'm their gay-straight friend damn it!! Who else is gonna have the inner knowledge of straight men and the understanding of gay men?? NO ONE that's who. So I need to be alone, and I need to stay straight. (Only cause being gay isn't an option, believe me it's NOT a choice I've tried, women drive me fucking crazy. haha)

This is my role is life. I eat, I drink, and I sleep alone. Tomorrow I'll start the cycle again...

Peace and Love

It's 2009 and I've never been happier to see a year end. Now that it's a new year it's time for a new look. So what's a shaggy slack to do? He shaves his beard, cuts his hair, and dyes it black and red. Too much shit went down this year so its great to start over. It was just another year of drama and I'm done with it. No more drama in my life.

As of late I've been doing my own thing. Just looking for a job, reading, and catching up on my flicks. By the way watching The Dawson should be done in small amounts over a spread out period of time cause that show is crack cocaine for the mind. You watch 4 or 5 episodes in a row and it totally brings out the emo teen inside you. haha

One thing I want to know is why is it so difficult for an honest hardworking guy to get a job?? I've been driving all over this town and I got nothing... I'm starting to think I'm not meant to work; I'm just a bum. Oh well fuck it. Something has got to come by my way soon enough.

Peace

I'm stuck in this life that seems never ending until one day when I find myself dead from liver failure.... Until that day I find myself not knowing what to do. Everything I do is the bare minimum... I get by. That's my life. I don't give a fuck about school but I want my fucking degree. I've been stuck in NY for too fucking long to have nothing to show for it. To bad I don't give a fuck about anything I've worked towards. I hate my generation. We are so fucking lazy and never wanting to grow up. I mean we just expect the world to be handed to us. I don't even want to name all the college drop outs I know. We seem to find the whole college degree thing pointless only to have it bite us in the arse later. I've been fighting this feeling I have deep inside for years now; I push onward. I get by, I get by with the bare minimum...

I'm pushing forward in my life but forward to what? I seem to be alone more and more these days. I remember when I had a lot of friends. So many that it seemed like I didn't have the time to see everyone and now it seems like I'm always alone. I guess times change. Remember when I thought I was someone whom people would never forget but now I feel forgotten. I don't mind being alone but the problem with being alone all the time is that you get lonely, I know go figure. haha I know I'm 90 percent sure I glad and happy to be single, but that doesn't mean I don't miss being close to someone. I've been called a total fag because I don't feel the need to have sex with anyone at this moment in my life. I would much rather just be close to someone. I want someone to hang out with, talk to, laugh with, and most of all drink with. I suppose it's times like this I really miss my British friends, they were my family and it feels like I've lost them. This happens every now and then though. I go through times when I especially miss everyone in England... Its been a year since I've last seen them, (minus Chef who I met in Cali this summer). Life is just lonely, especially since I have another year and a half to go... I've been working towards the goal of moving abroad but sometimes I'm worried there's nothing to move back too.

I suppose this my desperate cry for help to leave the states for a bit. To bad I have no money... I would love to hop a plane to the UK for a few weeks.

But since that's not possible at the moment I want all the Brits to know I love and miss them so much.

Peace and Love

The end of the semester is coming soon and I still have a lot to do. I still need to finish my observation hours and I really can't wait to finish that. I need 45 hours of observation to pass the class which I think is a bit over kill and boring. So as par usual I I've left everything to the last minute but I'll get everything done. My photography final project has been stressing me out because I couldn't figure out what to do it on. You see the project is 10 pictures that depict a store. I didn't know what to do until this Saturday night when I was watching "The Strangers" (which was sightly disappointing). Anyways, I decided to do my project on a stalker. The first five or so pictures are gonna be from the stalker/killers point of view. The second half of the photos are from the victims point of view and her fighting the stalker off. Hopefully my teacher will love it. I feel its original enough and I don't have to ask any strangers for help cause my housemates said they would be in it. That's all for now.

Peace and Love

I fucking hate you!! You never loved me. You've fucked with my head for the last time. There's no forgiveness now. You were afraid that what happened this summer would fuck up our friendship well you were RIGHT!! You said something you can't take back and what you said to me now means nothing. I mean nothing to you, so stop pretending. We have no friendship cause you were never a friend. You fucking used me. I did everything I could for you and what did you do for me, you fucked with my head to until I could no longer feel thing for you. I loved you my whole life but now, now I fucking hate you. I hope you get a STD and Your tits fall off, no matter how childish that sounds. We are no longer friends and you don't even care.


FUCK YOU CATRINA, YOU ARE NEVER GOING ANYTHING WHERE IN LIFE AND ARE STUCK IN TULLY FOREVER, OH AND YOU'RE A CUNT.

PEACE AND LOVE(LOVE FOR EVERYONE BUT CATRINA)

Being back in Buffalo is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I love school and for my housemates. I love having my own apartment. I love being able to walk the city streets at whatever time I wish to take some pictures. I love the fact that someday I'll be finished with school but that someday isn't today. This fall hasn't come with it's own hardships though. The end of this summer was rough. I lost my best friend, but the worst part of it all was that it didn't take much. I guess my eyes were finally opened to all the crap I had been fed for years. It's nice to know who your true friends are though. However one important thing to remember about even the best of friends is that they can't always be counted on. That isn't suppose to sound as negative as it does, but the simple fact is you learn to depend on yourself and let friends be the added bonus in life.

I say this because I'm not gonna let being alone stop me from doing the things I love. I'm gonna walk the parks and streets of Buffalo whenever I want. I'm gonna go to the bar to listen to some live music. I'm gonna live my life loud and proud, and by doing so has already shown it's rewards.

So nowadays I'm just gonna play life by ear and see what floats my way. I don't need to jump through hoops to have someone to hang out with. I don't need to fix every problem. I'm gonna let people appreciate me for me even if that means chillin alone for now, because in the long run I don't think I'll be chillin' alone forever cause I have a little faith.

Peace and Love

Holy shit I love this movie. It was made in 1986 and my parents taped it off the tv. In those days television still put movies on tv that were worth taping (that's how we first owned The Dark Crystal). Anyways, my rents taped it and I watched all the time when I was a kid. I watched it until the tape worn out and I've been trying to find a copy of it every sense. However, unfortunately Disney isn't releasing it on dvd, and know one knows why. Apparently I'm not the only Boogedy fan out there. It's actually got quite the cult following. All I have to say is thank goodness for the internet and file sharing. Furthermore, let it be known that I would gladly spend good money for an official copy of this movie. Anyways, I just wanted to share a classic with everyone.

Peace

It's good to be back in Buffalo and it feels great to be out of Syracuse. Right now I'm taking 6 classes and I'm trying to find a job. On top of all that I'm trying to start an Ultimate team. So a have a lot on my plate. I'm thinking this is gonna be the hardest semester if not the busiest semester of my college career.

However, I don't have my mind on only school work, as if I ever do. haha No, I'm looking to branch out and make some new connections. After all, who knows how long all be be in Buffalo. I've finally gotten into the Math Ed. major so that's a step in the right direction.

Recently someone told me that Buffalo State has an Ultimate team however I think they are talking out of their asses. So I still have my work cut out for me. I really want to play some Ultimate for both social and physical exercise reasons.

On the topic of getting a job... I'm still looking which I fucking hate. I really need an income cause I have an expensive lifestyle. Not to mention I tend to get drunk watching public television and make donations on my credit card. I'm a very giving drunk. haha

Oh well. Peace

I'm back from California and I had a fantastic time!!

If I were to describe the past two weeks in a series of words this would be them:

"Married Girl, Loving our P.O.S., Sun, Beaches, Ultimate, Surfing, Beautiful Women, Heat, Sing Alongs, Rum, Why's the Rum Gone, Human Kindness, Going with the flow, Drinking amongst other things, Pool, BBQ, Subway, Horrible, Shits, Best friends, Geeking out, Being a Bum, Hilarious Sunburns and Tan lines, Living out of a Car, Crazy Navigations, NOFX, No radio, and Broke"

Bumming around Cali with Chef was one of the best vacations of my life. I had a great time and want to thank all the people (who will never read this) who made it possible.

You see, Chef and myself completely depended on the kindness in Ultimate player's hearts to give us a place to sleep. Over the two weeks I stay in California we crashed at 5 different houses and there were times where I though we would be sleeping on the streets. However, everything worked out for the best and I've met some great people through these experiences. This hole trip kinda restored what little faith I had in people.

People have been asking what I got up to in Cali but truth be told I was really just a beach bum. Chef and I went to the beach almost everyday and partied all night. Right when I arrived at the Long Beach airport Chef told me a better be ready to play some beach ultimate in a few hours. It was amazing. Of course Beach Ultimate usually is but what I'm talking about is not only the Ultimate but the beaches. They were so long and flat it was amazing. The perfect place to play some pick up.

At one pick up session in Long Beach Chef and I met this couple Eric and Nicole who said we could stay at there place. Nicole went away on business and that left Eric with a lot of free time (he is a totally kept man haha). So we asked Eric if he wanted to rent some surf boards and go surfing with Chef and I. This is why Eric rocks, not only did he go surfing with us but he also took us out on the town to his favorite pool hall. Then we went surfing again the next day because we had such a great time the day before and we heard the surf would be even better. Later he even let us help brew some beer. Eric was just a wicked cool dude and I wish him the best of luck with his marriage in the fall.

Chef and I had an interesting ride down to San Diego. Basically we got a really late start so Chef's Dad and Step Mother were no longer where they said they would meet us. So we then had to find out how to get to their hotel. Then they told us that we should just get our own hotel, we had to spell it out that we had no money for a hotel and that we really needed to stay with them. What had happened was that when they had arrived at the hotel they found out that the hotel had over booked and give them the wrong room. The rook they received it was much too small for them, let alone us to sleep there also. Chef and I considered just finishing the rum and passing out out on a beach. However we crushed on the floor for the night. The next day we fortunately found two couches to crash on at this guy Ryan's house. Like I said before we were lucky so many people would take us in.

The San Diego Comic-Con was a trip. I'm not saying I'm a huge geek but I would definitely call myself a closet geek. So I definitely geeked out a bit. Not really on Star Wars or anything but all the comic artists and authors I got to meet. For example I met my favorite writer, author of the series "The Walking Dead," Robert Kirkman got a pic and his autograph. I also made it my personal mission to find some really indie comics and talk to the writers. It was really interesting.

Besides the Con, San Diego was really chill compared to L.A. It was kinda too chill, Chef and I were actually bored at points. One of the days we weren't at the Con we went to Balboa Park and played Disc Golf. That was wicked sweet. The course was amazing. So much more to it than the one's in NY. Plus I actually had to wait to "Tee Off" there. Unlike in NY where I'm usually the only one on the whole course. haha Disc Golf is definitely a west coast thing. The other day we weren't at the Con we simply slept on the beach and I got wicked sun burnt. It was actually hilarious.

Since San Diego wasn't all that and we no longer wanted to impose on Ryan we searched for a new place to stay. We thought we were gonna have to go north to Chef's dad's place but fortunately we found a place in Claremont. We stay at Pomona College with Matt aka Triky. Which was great cause we no longer needed to drive 6 hours north. The last few days Chef and I just bummed around campus cause at this point we were both broke.

What a fucking holiday! It was one of the best I think. I'm back now, back to work, back to stress, and drama. I'm gonna miss my friend Chef but we'll see one another soon enough. I have a feeling that our friendship will last a lifetime.

That's it, I'm done so as my friend Chef would say, "Bye for now."

P.S. Hollywood is a FUCKING dump. Really don't even bother paying the 8 to 15 bucks to park. Just drive through it so you can say you've been there, cross it off your things to do in life, and be thankful not to live in such a dive.

I think I drink too much...

I'm going MIA and I can't wait to bounce out of New York. Right now in my life where is only one person who is keeping me sane in Syracuse. Heather, I fucking love you and if I had a vagina or you weren't a lesbian I would say we are meant to be. haha Seriously though everyone else is off there fucking rocker. People are just so fucking up tight it drives me crazy, but then again in todays society what am I suppose to expect.

Today is a time of no tolerance and close minded ignorance. People are stuck thinking for themselves and can't be bother to put themselves in the shoes of others. No one wants to understand anyone else's needs but their own. No one wants to be tolerant of the mistakes of others because they lead such perfect lives.

People are ridiculous. However, the worst thing of all is that people are predictable. Society is stuck in a cycle is bound to keep reliving the mistakes of the past over and over again without ever learning.

This is why I'm excited to bid it all farewell for a while.

So Farewell.

I can only say I'm glad to be M.I.A.

I'm done. Well not done, but I took my last exam for the semester. Yay me!! Now it's time to go home and work... Until July rolls around and then I'm escaping NY.

PEACE OUT!!

Ok, so tomorrow is the start of finals week... Blah. I only have three but I'm thinking 2 out of the 3 will kinda kick my ass. Right now I probably should be studying but I'm to the point where I don't even no what to study, so instead I'll just watch a watch flick or maybe listen to some music or possibly waste my life on the internet. Yeah, wasting time on the internet seems like the thing to do tonight. However, Megs and I went into school this afternoon and I did my last Calc I lab. That's about as proactive as I've been able to be so far. Not that my Calc teacher is any help... "I will hand my your past two tests and homeworks." "I will tell you when the final is this Friday." "I will have the study guide on my office door this week." All these "I will's" and they are all bull shit. I guess it something you would expect judging from this lady's office. If the government is looking for terrorists they should look into the possible bombing of my professor's office. Actually setting of an explosion in this lady's office could only help the matters. So this whole thing is really frustrating cause the whole class knows she's gonna write a bitch ass hard test are we are all screwed cause we don't spend 12 hours a week on Calculus. 12 hours, that's what she expects of us. Now maybe if you weren't taking any other course you could pull that off, but seriously with a full course load spending 12 hours on Calc just seems a bit sick. I mean if you are spending that much time on your course then obviously you have no life and then Buff State would just be encouraging more people to become socially retarded. Don't get me wrong, I know college can't be about just experiencing life, but it can't just be about class either. Life is a fine balance of things and it's when anyone goes to the extreme of one lifestyle or another that people become close minded sociopaths. Therefore it is my duty as a student to take these little time outs and breaks to make sure I don't become a socially retarded sociopath.

Did I mention I'm not too down with the end of the semester?? I have a feeling these finals are gonna bite me in the ass. Oh well.